PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: failure

Ughh

Sitting here eating corn thins after already downing fruit, rice crackers, two muesli bars, two crumpets, a bowl of cereal, digestive biscuits and yoghurt. Why so weak? Why so fat? I could have lasted. I didn’t need to eat.

 

Stupid fat bitch.

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Update

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

Just kill me

I seem to have put on so much weight over the past two days. I can’t even look at myself. I’m disgusting, fat, weak and gross. Why did I let this happen? Ughhh

And to make matters worse, my hair is falling out everywhere. So I’m fat with rapidly thinning hair. Oh yay!….

Eww

You know that you’ve been eating too much when your period comes back. Go away you gross, womanly reminder of my failure!

I hate that I’m so damn weak!

  • I hate my thighs
  • I hate my stomach
  • I hate my arms
  • I hate my face
  • I hate my flat chest
  • I hate how fat I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how sometimes I can’t say no
  • I hate the scars that are permanently on my legs and that though I hate them I continue to make them worse
  • I hate me
  • I hate that I can never win
  • I hate that I like food
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate that people care
  • I hate that I can’t be thin enough
  • I hate how hard it is getting to lose weight
  • I hate how lonely I feel all of the time
  • I hate how awkward I am
  • I hate that though I’m surrounded by people, I feel like nobody notices me
  • I hate how people always use me
  • I hate how I let people use me
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how I am so easy to forget
  • I hate how stupid I am
  • I hate how I let all of these things get to me
  • I hate how I push everyone away
  • I hate waking up every morning
  • I hate the feeling of wanting to sleep forever
  • I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it
  • I hate how I don’t want help
  • I hate how my younger siblings/cousins look up to me, when I’m a crumbling mess and would rather die than have any of them end up like me
  • I hate the way that I look
  • I hate the way that I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak

Bleh!

I broke my fast with a little binge and purge session because my mum went grocery shopping and bought all of my favourite foods, AGAIN! It wasn’t too bad though, rock melon, a mandarin, a small handful of veggie chips, a piece of rye bread and a few homemade lentil patties. They were really small though, I could fit three into the palm of my hand, but I think I ate about 8 :/  Oh…and the dreaded handful of raspberry bullets.. I’m quite confident that I purged most, if not all of it. Now I’m trying to forget that all of that occurred with a nice cup of tea, just like I should have in the first place.

This is fucked.

I set up this blog so that I could have a place to write my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them all bottled up. Tonight though, I binged so badly that I don’t even feel worthy of being logged into it…

I’m a mess. I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going.   My hair is falling out, my mouth had ulcers in it, my gums are raw as hell and sting constantly, my right hand is dry, cracked and gross, I have little sores all over my body, I haven’t had a period in nearly three months, I’m getting that stupid fine hair on my stomach and back, but do you know what the worst thing is?  The worst thing is that I’m experiencing all of these side effects, but I’m still fat.

If this was tum…

If this was tumblr I would ask for hate mail in my ask box. Since it isn’t feel free to abuse me publicly by commenting. I had to bake some biscuits for my Mum’s girls night in a few days, which I thought I should try. Oh how stupid I was. What a fail of a fast. Off to purge the contents of my stomach…

I had this new …

I had this new idea that if I ate three times a day, but really small and low calorie meals, I would be able to prevent myself from binging and then lose more weight in the process. Tonight is clear proof that my idea is shit and doesn’t work. I binged terribly on fucking honey roasted macadamia nuts and homemade rye bread. The worst thing is that the reason I started doing it was because I thought in my head, “It’s OK, you can afford to have one and then still be under your limit” The problem is that once I start I hardly ever can stop. You can’t afford to have one. You can’t afford to have any you stupid, fat, dumb, ugly girl. Back to eating next to nothing and fasting for days on end you go.

New plan: Don’t eat unless you’re with people and they are suspicious, or you feel like you are about to keel over and die.

Wow

So I found out this morning that my ‘best friend’ had my ex-boyfriend over at her house last night until some hour of the morning because she was scared. Her defense was,”He offered”

Umm yep alright….

Now I feel like shit. Spent the last hour in the bathroom crying and cutting myself and now I’m feeling a binge about to occur. For the first time in three years death seems like a pretty good option.