PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: purge

Damn Laxatives

Took 5 laxatives when you’re only supposed to have 3 max. Probably going to die and poop out my entire digestive system tomorrow. Yay!

Woops

It’s just come to my attention how much everything has changed for me since I was religiously blogging on here. I used to only care about managing to get through a day on no food or doing brutal amounts of exercise. Now not eating is just the norm for me, it’s barely a struggle because I hate food so damn much. My life now completely revolves around starving, binging/purging, cigarettes, cutting and drugs. I think I’m now a perfect example of what not to do. Ha I’m pretty much fucked until I die.

Life is Shit When…

You can’t vomit up everything that you just ate because you’re too tired. I hate food.

Woops

Purging in the shower seems like a no go now. I’ve stuffed the drains. Hopefully nobody can tell that it’s food coming back up, otherwise I’m screwed :/

Just Adding to my Insanity

This is going to make me seem even more messed up, but it’s been on my mind for a while.

I always have thought of Bulimia as the weak side of eating disorders. It’s the name given to the people who aren’t strong enough to starve themselves for long periods of time, the ones who need to purge or take huge amounts of laxatives because they can’t control themselves around food, the weak ones. I suppose that’s why I never feel good enough. Even when I have my days of feeling thin, I still feel weak because I know that I got there from purging everything that I ate, not simply not eating.

I have times when I go a few days without eating, but that’s only because of the days prior that I couldn’t purge all of the crap that I ate. It’s an endless cycle and it sucks. I don’t remember how not to think or feel like I do, and I believe that it’s impossible for me to ever go back to it. Even if I ate normally and stopped vomiting my mind would still be in the same place.

People seem to think that if I put on weight or eat normally I’m better. It doesn’t take a genius to know that is not the case, but then again they are all slaves to food so they mustn’t be very clever after all.
I just want bones. I just want thin.

Update

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

Having your han…

Having your hands smell like vomit. Yay!….

I can’t even begin…

to explain how shit I feel right now. It hasn’t even hit mother’s day yet and I’ve already become overwhelmed by the amount of food placed in front of me and how much I’ve eaten. My eyes sting from purging so much and I don’t have the energy to get it all out of me, my hands are dry and sting like a bitch, my lips are so chapped the feel like they’re about to fall off and even cutting myself isn’t making me feel better or in some form of power. I feel completely and utterly helpless and alone. All I want is someone to cuddle me without commenting that they can feel my bones or wanting to talk about everything. Just to cuddle me in silence until I fall asleep. That my friends, would be perfect.

Oh Lord!

I have the worst headache and shakes from what is probably my worst binge/purge session ever. This is not a good way to start the weekend, especially when I have multiple mothers day family events to attend. This weekend is going to kill me.

My day consiste…

My day consisted of binging and purging, a little bit of homework, followed by more binging and purging. I’m so weak!     

I told myself that I wouldn’t eat anything today….and then I eat a carrot. I told myself that I would stop there and not fall into a binge…..then I proceed to eat everything in sight; fruit, grilled mushrooms, grilled cheese sandwich, avocado and vegemite sandwich, peanut butter, corn thins, a muesli bar, an apple muffin, dark chocolate, ritz crackers. I told myself that I would keep it down because I need to stop purging so often……and then I vomit everything that I just ate, plus what felt like my entire digestive tract.    

Usually it stops there, but not this bloody time. After I did an hour or two of homework I sat in my room telling my stomach to shut up and myself that I wasn’t hungry……….but then I proceeded to make myself a bowl of oatmeal, a mandarin, corn thins and hummus, a packet of veggie chips and four pieces of fruit cake. After that I didn’t even bother trying to convince myself not to purge because I knew that whether I wanted to or not, it was going to happen. I hate this.