And just like that, I’m alone again
I’m sorry I haven’t posted on here in a while. Things have been pretty shit recently, in terms of my entire existence. I’m struggling to push through every single day and haven’t been able to fathom doing anything apart from sitting in bed or sleeping.
I’m selfish, I’m cruel, I’m alone and I’m better off dead.
These severe lows are starting to get the better of me. I’m scared of what they might make me do. I almost got hit by two cars this afternoon because I didn’t look before I crossed. Not because I didn’t think to, but because I didn’t care. I actually hoped that they had hit me. God, I wish that they had. I want to die. I”m not meant for this world.
Most of the time I’m perfectly happy with being single. There is nobody to worry about you, nobody to check up on you all of the time, nobody to have to check plans with and nobody to crowd your space.
Occasionally though, well practically all of the time now, I get lonely and it upsets me. Having nobody to remind me that they love me and they care, nobody to cuddle when it’s cold, nobody to watch geeky movies with, nobody to play video games with, nobody who actually wants to spend time with me and misses me when they can’t.
Relationships are tricky, but wow, do I miss being in one.
It’s weird. When I think about it, I haven’t had this many people care for and want to spend time with me in a long, long time. Somehow though, I’ve never felt more alone.
For some reason, once it hits 9pm I seem to be flooded with depressing feelings. I could be high as a kite and happy as anything, but once it hits 9 I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Also I made mini apple pies for my families dessert and completely caved and had one :( It was only just bigger than bite size, but it was still pastry. My gag reflex also seems to be failing me at the moment, making it almost impossible to purge. I had nearly my entire fist down my throat and nothing happened. This is not good.