PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: starve

I’m Back!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My mind has been passing through thoughts of trying to recover, thoughts of continuing with my ‘comfortable’ lifestyle and terrifying thoughts and urges to take my own life. I’ve come to a few conclusions:

1. I’m never going to get better, so I either live with starving myself or the mental torture of trying to eat, being fat and sad.

2. My depression and suicidal thoughts are linked to my eating, so when I don’t eat they don’t happen.

3. I only cut myself when I eat, so if I don’t eat I won’t cut and perhaps my legs can become close to beautiful.

4. My goal was to be thin for summer, which is now one month away, and I’ve wasted months going back and forth from eating and starving, when I should have been getting thinner and ready.

Putting these conclusions together points to one and only one resolution. I can’t get better because I have to be skinny, fragile and beautiful. My life all falls into place when I’m thin.

I’m back now. I’m motivated and driven and I’m going to get thinner than before. I bloody well have to. I miss my chest bones and I hate getting my period. I need thin. I also need all of your help too. I can’t fail this time. I’ve finished school now so fatigue is no longer an issue and I won’t need to eat just to pass a test. I just have to get skinny again.

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Woops

It’s just come to my attention how much everything has changed for me since I was religiously blogging on here. I used to only care about managing to get through a day on no food or doing brutal amounts of exercise. Now not eating is just the norm for me, it’s barely a struggle because I hate food so damn much. My life now completely revolves around starving, binging/purging, cigarettes, cutting and drugs. I think I’m now a perfect example of what not to do. Ha I’m pretty much fucked until I die.

One Day.

Yesterday- Fasting, diet cokes, cigarettes

Today- Food, diet cokes, cigarettes, laxatives

One day I’m going to have a normal day that I don’t feel guilty about. One day.

The constant internal battle…

To eat, or not to eat.

I’m so fucking weak!

This is why I hate myself and this is why I will never be as thin and perfect as I want to be.

I will always be fat, never skinny. I will always have scars, never perfect skin. I will always be weak, never strong because strong isn’t my nature. I’m always weak, always at the bottom, always the one being pushed around by something, always the one suffering. I hate myself.

Why is it always the same three things: starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.

It’s never going to end.

I’m so hungry …

I’m so hungry :( Why can’t thin just come to me naturally?

Day Two

Another successful day of fasting :) Today was more difficult mind you. Once I break the barrier of hunger this should be so much easier.

photo(2)

Dinnertime!

Dinnertime!

I seem to have …

I seem to have spent my entire day drinking herbal tea and looking at thinspo, instead of working on the pile of assignments that I have due in two days. Go me!

29th August- Day Two

Wow, I’m feeling so light-headed :/ If I cave before Friday I’m going to be so disappointed in myself.

Stay strong and starve on! I have to keep reminding myself, you don’t get thin and food together. It’s one or the other.