PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: Pro-ana

Thinspo quote

Thinspo quote

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And I’m Back in the Game!!

I don’t know what was up with me yesterday; if it was just water weight or if I’m a God who can just manage to drop two kilograms in one day even though I ate a huge amount of food. I’m leaning more towards the first option though. Anyway, guess who is officially back at 55kgs?!?! That would be me! :D

I love being in power

I didn’t plan to eat dinner tonight so I was playing computer games in my bedroom. My Dad yells out to me saying that he’s made me dinner so naturally I freak out and try and think of all the ways that I can get out of it or get rid of the calories after. I walk downstairs and the kitchen smells interesting, I looked into the frying pan and he’s frying these flour covered weird vegetarian burgers. Straight away I freak out again telling him how I don’t eat things that other people cook for me because I like cooking for myself, especially things that are covered in flour and fried because it’s gross, but he put one on my plate anyway. I tried a tiny mouthful and they tasted like flour and dough, thankfully (If they had been like my Mum’s vegetarian burgers I would have been screwed because they taste amazing). I picked it apart saying that I was getting all of the flour off, which was about half the burger, and then played with it and squished it around my plate for about 10 minutes. I could feel everyone watching me, but I wasn’t going to eat this gross, floury, fried burger when I’m supposed to be fasting. I feel kind of bad because I think that I hurt my Dad’s feelings, but really, he’ll forget about it by tomorrow morning. If I downed all those calories from his gross burgers it would push me back a week and probably make me fatter. That would never be forgotten.

Don't give up

Don't give up

Ribs

Ribs

I’ve noticed t…

I’ve noticed that over the past week my back has been really sore so I decided to check it out in the mirror. It turns out that I have these ugly yellow and grey bruises all down my spine from where it sticks out. It’s so annoying because I’m not even thin, but my spine pokes out giving me false hope. Damn you, stupid painful spine!

 

Feeling powerful. Feeling strong.

I burnt 859 calories on my bike ride!! I’m so proud and happy ^.^  I’ve planned my dinner so that I don’t ruin it tonight, because I know that my step-mum will make me eat something. I’m going to make some roast vegetables and maybe some miso soup, depending on how well my willpower is hanging up. I can actually see myself being at 55kgs again by Monday or Tuesday and I’m excited to weigh myself for a change :D

Ughh

I’m feeling like a fat shit again because I ate a lot for dinner. It was mostly healthy mind you, pumpkin soup, rye bread and homemade hummus, but I had a few mini Easter eggs and 3 lolly snakes. I worked out really hard this morning and burnt 533 calories though (Which is a big workout for me because usually I don’t do any) so I’m definitely under a net calorie of 500 easily, so I suppose it isn’t too bad… Except it’s absolutely terrible because I’m meant to be losing weight not eating enough to keep alive an army….  Anyway, I’m going on a bike ride into town tomorrow morning with my Dad, sister, auntie and cousin which should be good. It’s around 3 hours there and back if I ride at a moderate pace and I tend to race against my sister so that should raise the amount of calories I burn and get rid of today’s damage. I just keep trying to convince myself that my slip up tonight is to prevent me from passing out while bike riding. Last time I rode a bike I did that and ending up crashing into a parked car :/ My Dad is really sporty so that’s a bonus about staying here a little extra. He doesn’t find it weird when I go for a run or workout like my Mum does and he doesn’t have the nerve to tell me to eat when I say that I’m not hungry either. He does however enjoy poking and squeezing certain problem parts of my body like my arms and stomach. I’ve slowly started to like my arms because they’re quite slim with not much muscle tone, making them look fragile. Tonight though, my Dad comes up to me and squeezes them saying, “We’ll have to do something about that”. What must we do?! It was the one thing that I kind of liked about my body and now BOOM! I hate it!  Seriously, once I go back to my Mum’s I’m going to try and fast until school goes back. I’ve developed this great food hiding technique and they have no clue!   No food. I will be thin. God, I hate food!

I want to work …

I want to work out, but I’m scared that if I do it too much I’ll become muscular rather than boney and fragile. I think that I’ll give my pilates DVD a break for three day and just walk/jog and then come back to it.

Weightloss

Weightloss

It’s so tempting to try and pull this off, but I know that it’s impossible. If I don’t eat for the next 5 weeks and burn at least 500 calories a day I can be at my UGW in a little over a month. It’s so close, yet so far away because I have to eat a little bit otherwise I’ll pass out and when I do 48+hour fasts I don’t have the energy to exercise like I did today :(