PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: ana problems

So Annoying

When I need to stay up late to finish my homework, but since I haven’t eaten since my binge/purge session last night I have the shakes, that weird chest feeling and feel extremely tired. Yay for not being able to focus!

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I want to work …

I want to work out, but I’m scared that if I do it too much I’ll become muscular rather than boney and fragile. I think that I’ll give my pilates DVD a break for three day and just walk/jog and then come back to it.

This doesn’t make sense

I’ve put on weight over the Easter holiday, so I weigh more this week than I did last week. BUT, I feel really cold all the time now when I didn’t before and I’ve skipped my period when I’m not even skinny and my BMI is still in the healthy range. My body is so fat and confusing. I want a new one.

Having your sis…

Having your sister try and push your door open and you tell her that she can’t come in because you’re comfortably positioned against the door……. when really you’re sitting there with blood stained tissues and cut legs and you can’t get up to let her in because it hurts too much to put your pants back on.

Vomitttttttttttttttttttttt

I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge.

My God, I feel so so sick. I’m definitely not eating tomorrow, I need to feel empty again.

Holiday!

So tonight is the last night before I leave for camping tomorrow morning. It’s going to be next to impossible to skip meals and log what I’m eating since my Mum makes all these ‘camping meals’. I’m going to try to eat as little as I can and when I do hopefully it will be low-calorie, but I’m expecting my Mum to try and force feed me bread and potatoes. Then when I come home I’m going to be super strict and work out as much as I can. My goal is to lose another 5 kilograms before I go back to school which is about two weeks. If I lost two kilograms the week that I only fasted for two days, binged terribly at the beginning of and didn’t do that much exercise, I’m certain that I can do it! 

Me: omg GET SMA…

  • Me: omg GET SMALLER
  • Legs: never
  • Arms: nope
  • Stomach: lol no
  • Boobs: okay!

When I have to …

When I have to sit down and do homework, but I feel the overpowering urge to exercise because every minute that I’m sedentary is a minute that fat has time to grow on my body. I hate school, I need to exercise.