PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: Eating Disorder

Just Adding to my Insanity

This is going to make me seem even more messed up, but it’s been on my mind for a while.

I always have thought of Bulimia as the weak side of eating disorders. It’s the name given to the people who aren’t strong enough to starve themselves for long periods of time, the ones who need to purge or take huge amounts of laxatives because they can’t control themselves around food, the weak ones. I suppose that’s why I never feel good enough. Even when I have my days of feeling thin, I still feel weak because I know that I got there from purging everything that I ate, not simply not eating.

I have times when I go a few days without eating, but that’s only because of the days prior that I couldn’t purge all of the crap that I ate. It’s an endless cycle and it sucks. I don’t remember how not to think or feel like I do, and I believe that it’s impossible for me to ever go back to it. Even if I ate normally and stopped vomiting my mind would still be in the same place.

People seem to think that if I put on weight or eat normally I’m better. It doesn’t take a genius to know that is not the case, but then again they are all slaves to food so they mustn’t be very clever after all.
I just want bones. I just want thin.

Short Story

I found this interesting and it made me think.  Why do I want this?  Why is this one of my goals? What must be wrong with me for me to strive for this?

 

“She’s fading away, you know that right?”

“But she eats. I see her eat… I mean, I think I do”

“She’s fucked up! She’s a manipulative bitch. A compulsive liar. She’s smart Bella, she’s smarter than you. And she knows it”

“Did you see her legs? Sticks!”

“I know, I know. What are you going to do?”

“I dunno, send her away. I don’t know how to deal with her attention seeking shit. She’s your daughter anyway”

“I don’t know what to do Karl! What can I do?” Mum cried.

“Oh, shut up Bella. You know how much I hate it when you cry”

“I just, I just, I dunno wha’ to do”

“We’ll take her that Mr. Clensy guy. Don’t matter if it cost me a fortune. She’s my Bella’s girl, means she’s my girl” Karl lied.

 

 

A very skinny girl looked back at me.

Her hair was thin and loose. Eyes sunken and dark. Lips chapped and broken.

A very fat girl.

Fat

Fat

Fat

I lift my arms up and she does too. 6 bones expand through her pale skin. I twist my upper torso to the right. Pointy hips jive away, protruding from the stomach.

Dam fucking fat pouch

Why couldn’t you just go away

A very fat girl looked at me

Red scars.

Thick, red scars. Fat, lines, lines, lines. Perfect little slices of relief. Like scrolls of secrets lining her thighs, wrists, stomach.

Look at your thighs! Ana screamed at me

Look at them! God, you’re pathetic!

 

 

“So, do you know why you’re here?”

Bright lights. Stench. Cleanliness.

Something metallic protruding from my arm. A drip.

“When did you last eat?” Mr. Clensy asked.

White lights. Bright white lights.

More scars. Thick, deep. Red. Cavernous.

I turn my face away.

Nearly there hun. Nearly at perfection.

You’re nearly a feather.

You’re nearly free.

If only she knew…

I was talking to my best friend on the phone earlier, who used to have an eating disorder around the same time as me, and she started telling me how she’s been losing weight by eating mainly salad this week. She says that she’s really happy because she knows that her eating disorder isn’t back because she isn’t scared to eat chocolate or other indulgent foods. Meanwhile I’m thinking, “If only you knew what I’ve been doing for the past month. If only you knew how much even salad scares me. If only you knew how beautiful my bones are beginning to look.”                    I need more friends who think the same way that I do, apart from Ana and Mia of course.

I binged…. I …

I binged…. I always do this when I’m going so well! I had a handful of fat free marshmallows(which still contain calories, even though they’re pretty light), some pretzels, a small apple and almost a bowl of grapes :/ I managed to purge most of the grapes and apple, but only a bit of the pretzels. It was taking too long. I plan to go on a long walk tomorrow and eat nothing except for veggies, excluding my breakfast which will probably be two scrambled egg whites, now that I’ve worked out how much I should eat. Overall today my net calories was 560, which I’m not really happy about, but at least it’s under 600!

I know that I’m going to stuff up on the weekend because my mum keeps reminding me about the samosas in the freezer. I’ll try and eat them at a time when I know that I can purge them easily or after I’ve done a HUGE amount of exercise. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can’t my bones just poke out and I be thin without having to restrict everything that I eat? :(  I just want to be thin, for people to look at me and say that I’m too thin, just like they used to, for my hip bones to stick out, to be able to see my ribs pushing through my back, for my collarbones to look sickly, to have a killer thigh gap and to be under 50kg. That is all.

Skinny

Skinny

I could really …

I could really use some more followers. Just so I feel like I’m actually being listened to for once. Even if I’m not, it will present the illusion of it. If your blog is similar to mine I’ll follow back and we can support each other :)

Successful Day!

Today was a good day. I was hungry at school, but when I came home even though there was a pantry of food I didn’t have any. I did some homework and took my dog for a long walk and when I came home I wasn’t hungry anymore, I just had some egg whites to prevent myself from binging later tonight closer to my bedtime. I’m so proud of myself :D

Breakfast

2 cups of green tea – 2 calories

2 corn thins with a teaspoon of peanut butter- 75 calories

Lunch

2 corn thins with a teaspoon of peanut butter- 75 calories

Dinner

2 scrambled egg whites- 30 calories

Snack

1 dark rye rivita- 30 calories

Exercise

64 minutes of walking my dog-   -211 calories

Net: 5 calories