The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: ed


How do you help someone battle their demons and find the will to survive, when you’re being eaten alive by yours and your life is simply hanging by a thread?
I can’t tell her, I need to stay strong for her, but I’m crumbling.

BMI chart

BMI Chart

I’m a freak…

I was doing some of the tests on here and the response back is that I have borderline personality disorder, depression, an eating disorder and an internet addiction. Half of those things I already know. So basically I’m a freaky girl with many problems. Yay!

Sudden realisations

I’ve come to realise that my issue isn’t feeling hungry, craving the wrong foods or not having any self control. It’s simply that once I stop eating I find it hard to stop. So the longer that I can fast for, the better everything will be.

This idea brought me to my new approach. So that my body doesn’t go into starvation mode(if that is even possible within a few days) I’m going to plan fasts, but strategically so that I won’t be fasting when people will be paying attention to me and not for too long so that I won’t binge when I eat again, and only eating when I’m around others to stop them becoming suspicious of things. Now that I have my plan, let us see how long it works for!


Remember the feeling of guilt, sickness and just fat that you felt sitting on the bathroom floor after you couldn’t purge the junk that you had just eaten. Remember feeling tired and fat after having a massive binge, knowing that it would take days to get back to the point that you were at before you ate. Remember how gross it feels to walk and feel your thighs rubbing against each other. Remember the fear when someone went to pick you up because you know that they couldn’t possibly lift you. Remember looking into the mirror and seeing a miserable fat girl staring back. Remember how strong, happy and proud you felt when you managed to say no to all of those bad things and eat almost nothing. Remember the feeling of seeing your ribs in the mirror. Remember the feeling of seeing the number shrink on the scales. Remember the feeling when people ask you if you’ve lost weight and say that you look really thin. Remember when you first noticed your hip bones sticking out. Remember the dizzy feeling that you had all of the time, the one that proved that you were making progress. Remember feeling cold even when everyone else said that it was warm. Remember feeling your bones when you ran your hands over your body. Remember the feeling of wearing shorts with your thighs hardly touching. Remember being the skinny friend. Remember being the girl who was in-control and didn’t let a stupid bowl of pasta or piece of bread tell her who was boss. Remember that lovely and permanent feeling of hunger, the feeling of fat leaving your body. Remember the feeling of looking at photos and actually being happy with the way that you look. Remember the feeling of sitting in McDonalds and hearing a girl behind you say that it’s always the skinny girls who come here and eat heaps, even though it was the first proper meal that you had eaten in weeks. Remember how it felt when people came up to you asking how you had lost so much weight. Remember how it felt being able to fit in to children’s clothes. Remember when people could lift you up as if you were a feather. Remember when boys looked at you and actually said wow. Now, remember what is carved into your huge jelly things. Every single time that you eat more than you should and can’t purge it, it is going to be made deeper. It says fat for a reason….



I binged…. I …

I binged…. I always do this when I’m going so well! I had a handful of fat free marshmallows(which still contain calories, even though they’re pretty light), some pretzels, a small apple and almost a bowl of grapes :/ I managed to purge most of the grapes and apple, but only a bit of the pretzels. It was taking too long. I plan to go on a long walk tomorrow and eat nothing except for veggies, excluding my breakfast which will probably be two scrambled egg whites, now that I’ve worked out how much I should eat. Overall today my net calories was 560, which I’m not really happy about, but at least it’s under 600!

I know that I’m going to stuff up on the weekend because my mum keeps reminding me about the samosas in the freezer. I’ll try and eat them at a time when I know that I can purge them easily or after I’ve done a HUGE amount of exercise. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can’t my bones just poke out and I be thin without having to restrict everything that I eat? :(  I just want to be thin, for people to look at me and say that I’m too thin, just like they used to, for my hip bones to stick out, to be able to see my ribs pushing through my back, for my collarbones to look sickly, to have a killer thigh gap and to be under 50kg. That is all.

I’m so worried…

I’m so worried about this weekend. I’m going to my Dad’s and my step-mum always bakes bread and sweets and makes the house smell wonderful. Then I have my Grandma’s birthday on Sunday and my whole family cooks everything that they are best at, so there is homemade bread, chocolates, biscuits, slices, cakes, cheeses etc. I’m trying not to purge, but I know that if I eat any of those things I’m going to. Hopefully someone has made salad so I can pick at it and pretend that I’m eating a lot, or even better I have to sit at a table with my little cousins because there isn’t enough room. I’m so scared that my progress is going to go out the window. I’m going to die!

I could really …

I could really use some more followers. Just so I feel like I’m actually being listened to for once. Even if I’m not, it will present the illusion of it. If your blog is similar to mine I’ll follow back and we can support each other :)

Weigh In

So this morning I weighed myself for the first time in a little over a week and I’ve lost 1.5kgs/3.3lbs. I was hoping to have lost more, but with the amount  that I ate for the first couple of days this should have expected. This week, if I stay eating and exercising like I have for the past couple of days, I should lose at least 2 more kilograms. My first goal weight is 55kgs and my second is 50kg, and now I’m only 4kgs away from the first :)