PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: ana thoughts

Weird Feels

Wanting to eat, but knowing that you can’t.  Wanting to scream, but knowing that it will only exhaust you. Wanting to feel something, but knowing that the only thing I can ever feel is pain. Wanting to simply die, but knowing that it’s out of the question now. I just want to be skin and bones already. Why must I always feel this way?

My Dark Place

I hadn’t cut for around two months and just blew it all. I can tell that I’m going into my dark place again, but to be honest, I don’t care. Yes, it was dark, my thoughts, my feelings, but I felt close to something. I can’t quite explain it, but when I listened to certain music I felt at peace and close to the musicians. I only get those feelings of content and closeness when I’m in my dark mindset. I don’t bring it on or encourage it, but I certainly won’t fight it anymore.

Short Story

I found this interesting and it made me think.  Why do I want this?  Why is this one of my goals? What must be wrong with me for me to strive for this?

 

“She’s fading away, you know that right?”

“But she eats. I see her eat… I mean, I think I do”

“She’s fucked up! She’s a manipulative bitch. A compulsive liar. She’s smart Bella, she’s smarter than you. And she knows it”

“Did you see her legs? Sticks!”

“I know, I know. What are you going to do?”

“I dunno, send her away. I don’t know how to deal with her attention seeking shit. She’s your daughter anyway”

“I don’t know what to do Karl! What can I do?” Mum cried.

“Oh, shut up Bella. You know how much I hate it when you cry”

“I just, I just, I dunno wha’ to do”

“We’ll take her that Mr. Clensy guy. Don’t matter if it cost me a fortune. She’s my Bella’s girl, means she’s my girl” Karl lied.

 

 

A very skinny girl looked back at me.

Her hair was thin and loose. Eyes sunken and dark. Lips chapped and broken.

A very fat girl.

Fat

Fat

Fat

I lift my arms up and she does too. 6 bones expand through her pale skin. I twist my upper torso to the right. Pointy hips jive away, protruding from the stomach.

Dam fucking fat pouch

Why couldn’t you just go away

A very fat girl looked at me

Red scars.

Thick, red scars. Fat, lines, lines, lines. Perfect little slices of relief. Like scrolls of secrets lining her thighs, wrists, stomach.

Look at your thighs! Ana screamed at me

Look at them! God, you’re pathetic!

 

 

“So, do you know why you’re here?”

Bright lights. Stench. Cleanliness.

Something metallic protruding from my arm. A drip.

“When did you last eat?” Mr. Clensy asked.

White lights. Bright white lights.

More scars. Thick, deep. Red. Cavernous.

I turn my face away.

Nearly there hun. Nearly at perfection.

You’re nearly a feather.

You’re nearly free.

The Darkness

The Darkness

I hate that I’m so damn weak!

  • I hate my thighs
  • I hate my stomach
  • I hate my arms
  • I hate my face
  • I hate my flat chest
  • I hate how fat I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how sometimes I can’t say no
  • I hate the scars that are permanently on my legs and that though I hate them I continue to make them worse
  • I hate me
  • I hate that I can never win
  • I hate that I like food
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate that people care
  • I hate that I can’t be thin enough
  • I hate how hard it is getting to lose weight
  • I hate how lonely I feel all of the time
  • I hate how awkward I am
  • I hate that though I’m surrounded by people, I feel like nobody notices me
  • I hate how people always use me
  • I hate how I let people use me
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how I am so easy to forget
  • I hate how stupid I am
  • I hate how I let all of these things get to me
  • I hate how I push everyone away
  • I hate waking up every morning
  • I hate the feeling of wanting to sleep forever
  • I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it
  • I hate how I don’t want help
  • I hate how my younger siblings/cousins look up to me, when I’m a crumbling mess and would rather die than have any of them end up like me
  • I hate the way that I look
  • I hate the way that I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak

This is fucked.

I set up this blog so that I could have a place to write my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them all bottled up. Tonight though, I binged so badly that I don’t even feel worthy of being logged into it…

I’m a mess. I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going.   My hair is falling out, my mouth had ulcers in it, my gums are raw as hell and sting constantly, my right hand is dry, cracked and gross, I have little sores all over my body, I haven’t had a period in nearly three months, I’m getting that stupid fine hair on my stomach and back, but do you know what the worst thing is?  The worst thing is that I’m experiencing all of these side effects, but I’m still fat.

Wow

I’m in the absolute worst mood tonight. I’m sick of everything. Sick of my family. Sick of feeling alone. Sick of school. Sick of living at home. Sick of my lack of a sex life. Sick of having no job. Sick of having no money. Sick of the way that I look. Sick of feeling fat. Sick of my bones not sticking out how I would like them to. Sick of the fact that I need to eat a little bit to stay alive. Sick of my Mum buying/making me food. Sick of breathing. Sick of blinking. Sick of being awake. Sick of leaving my bedroom. Sick of getting out of bed. Sick of waking up every morning. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until I’m thin and everyone in my life has long since died. I need to move out. I need to get away from everything, everyone, life. I just want to die.

Why

Why

I had this new …

I had this new idea that if I ate three times a day, but really small and low calorie meals, I would be able to prevent myself from binging and then lose more weight in the process. Tonight is clear proof that my idea is shit and doesn’t work. I binged terribly on fucking honey roasted macadamia nuts and homemade rye bread. The worst thing is that the reason I started doing it was because I thought in my head, “It’s OK, you can afford to have one and then still be under your limit” The problem is that once I start I hardly ever can stop. You can’t afford to have one. You can’t afford to have any you stupid, fat, dumb, ugly girl. Back to eating next to nothing and fasting for days on end you go.

New plan: Don’t eat unless you’re with people and they are suspicious, or you feel like you are about to keel over and die.

Perfection is

Perfection is:

a thigh gap,
a flat stomach,
defined hip and collar bones,
ribs pressing against skin,
a tiny figure,
being able to fit your hands the whole way round your thigh,
your spine pronounced in your back,
skinny legs,

Well to me it is anyway.