And just like that, I’m alone again
These severe lows are starting to get the better of me. I’m scared of what they might make me do. I almost got hit by two cars this afternoon because I didn’t look before I crossed. Not because I didn’t think to, but because I didn’t care. I actually hoped that they had hit me. God, I wish that they had. I want to die. I”m not meant for this world.
My younger sister has become quite down over the past week or two so my mum now thinks that she has depression. I don’t understand. One small change in her character and the entire family swarms to try and help. I’ve had eating problems for the past four years and all I get is abuse from everyone for not eating or eating too much. I’ve had depression on and off for the past five years and nobody has ever noticed or said a thing. I’ve tried to take my life twice and contemplate it at least twice a day, and nobody notices how much pain I’m in or asks how I am. I’ve been self-harming for the second time around for nearly a year and nobody said anything when I was younger and nobody cares now. I could successfully attempt suicide and they still probably wouldn’t care because my sister is a little blue. Why don’t they care about me?
How do you help someone battle their demons and find the will to survive, when you’re being eaten alive by yours and your life is simply hanging by a thread?
I can’t tell her, I need to stay strong for her, but I’m crumbling.
I just want to curl into someone, crying and cuddling them. Too bad that nobody wants to cuddle me and I can hardly ever cry when I feel the need to.
Also my day went to hell because of the depressing events of this morning. I didn’t eat until around 3, but then I just felt like complete and utter shit which is when I binge. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then I had a nutri-grain bar, 2 homemade oat-bran and apricot muffins (which are about the size of cupcakes), half a piece of flat bread with vegemite and cheese and then some instant mash potato. I purged the mash potato, flat bread, cheese, probably about one of the muffins and most of the sandwich, but there was no sign of the bar. Someone kill me. Ughh
So I found out this morning that my ‘best friend’ had my ex-boyfriend over at her house last night until some hour of the morning because she was scared. Her defense was,”He offered”
Umm yep alright….
Now I feel like shit. Spent the last hour in the bathroom crying and cutting myself and now I’m feeling a binge about to occur. For the first time in three years death seems like a pretty good option.
I’m feeling fat, depressed and uncomfortable as I usually do late at night. This time though I’m just going to curl up and go to sleep, hoping that by morning I’ll feel better and empty again.
For some reason, once it hits 9pm I seem to be flooded with depressing feelings. I could be high as a kite and happy as anything, but once it hits 9 I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Also I made mini apple pies for my families dessert and completely caved and had one :( It was only just bigger than bite size, but it was still pastry. My gag reflex also seems to be failing me at the moment, making it almost impossible to purge. I had nearly my entire fist down my throat and nothing happened. This is not good.