PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: pro mia

The binge-purge cycle

The binge-purge cycle

Vomitttttttttttttttttttttt

I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge.

My God, I feel so so sick. I’m definitely not eating tomorrow, I need to feel empty again.

Skinny

Skinny

For some reason…

For some reason, once it hits 9pm I seem to be flooded with depressing feelings. I could be high as a kite and happy as anything, but once it hits 9 I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Also I made mini apple pies for my families dessert and completely caved and had one :( It was only just bigger than bite size, but it was still pastry. My gag reflex also seems to be failing me at the moment, making it almost impossible to purge. I had nearly my entire fist down my throat and nothing happened. This is not good.

 

I binged…. I …

I binged…. I always do this when I’m going so well! I had a handful of fat free marshmallows(which still contain calories, even though they’re pretty light), some pretzels, a small apple and almost a bowl of grapes :/ I managed to purge most of the grapes and apple, but only a bit of the pretzels. It was taking too long. I plan to go on a long walk tomorrow and eat nothing except for veggies, excluding my breakfast which will probably be two scrambled egg whites, now that I’ve worked out how much I should eat. Overall today my net calories was 560, which I’m not really happy about, but at least it’s under 600!

I know that I’m going to stuff up on the weekend because my mum keeps reminding me about the samosas in the freezer. I’ll try and eat them at a time when I know that I can purge them easily or after I’ve done a HUGE amount of exercise. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can’t my bones just poke out and I be thin without having to restrict everything that I eat? :(  I just want to be thin, for people to look at me and say that I’m too thin, just like they used to, for my hip bones to stick out, to be able to see my ribs pushing through my back, for my collarbones to look sickly, to have a killer thigh gap and to be under 50kg. That is all.