PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: weak

Food

I hate food. Almost as much as I hate myself.

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I am weakness.

Ughh

Sitting here eating corn thins after already downing fruit, rice crackers, two muesli bars, two crumpets, a bowl of cereal, digestive biscuits and yoghurt. Why so weak? Why so fat? I could have lasted. I didn’t need to eat.

 

Stupid fat bitch.

I’m so fucking weak!

This is why I hate myself and this is why I will never be as thin and perfect as I want to be.

I will always be fat, never skinny. I will always have scars, never perfect skin. I will always be weak, never strong because strong isn’t my nature. I’m always weak, always at the bottom, always the one being pushed around by something, always the one suffering. I hate myself.

Why is it always the same three things: starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.

It’s never going to end.

Fat.

I don’t think that it’s possible for me to feel any grosser or more disgusted with myself

You stupid fat …

You stupid fat fuck!

You’re worthless, unlovable, disgusting! You’re so bloody weak and fat, this is why nobody does or ever will love you. You disgust me. I hate weakness. Your thighs make me want to vomit. Your stomach makes me want to claw my eyes out. Your legs make me want to vomit. Your face makes me want to vomit. You make me want to vomit. You’re gross.

Why are you still alive? Why the hell are you still here? Because you’re weak, that’s why. You’re too weak to grow dangerously thin. You’re too weak to take your own life. You’re too weak to do anything. Weak, weak, weak!

You are disgusting and I hate you!

Ughhhh…. djfbsdkjbfksjdbfkdjfs

My mum made me dinner tonight, there was no way of avoiding it. She’s working tomorrow so there should be no reason to mess up. I just want my bones back :(

How?

How do you help someone battle their demons and find the will to survive, when you’re being eaten alive by yours and your life is simply hanging by a thread?
I can’t tell her, I need to stay strong for her, but I’m crumbling.

77 and a half hours and counting…

This is getting harder. I’m so hungry :(  To make matters even worse I got my period today which will throw my weight out of wack, meaning that my weight tomorrow won’t be my real weight. I’m thinking of breaking my fast tomorrow morning as opposed to tomorrow night, just because I’m going to eat tomorrow anyway and I think it might prevent me from binging in the evening once I allow myself to eat. I don’t know. I shouldn’t eat because I’m fat and gross and don’t deserve it, but my insides hurt and my stomach feels like it’s twisting. My appetite suppressants work, but only for a few hours and I can’t take them that often. I’ll just see how I feel and what happens tomorrow I guess.

Food Log: 9/08/2012

I ate nothing all day until I got to work and the girls had champagne and cookies out the back. I was light-headed and the champagne didn’t help so I had a cookie, which turned to two, which turned to three and you can probably work out the rest. It only got worse once I got home. I probably consumed at least 1500 calories by the end of my disgusting binge on porridge, muffins, doritos, yoghurt, fruit, tabouli, corn thins and cake. I’ll just have to look at this day as my ‘muck up day’ for the week :(