PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: mia

Update

I went from fasting for 41 hours to a 700 calorie binge because I’m stressing about school which will then result in fasting for at least 48 hours and then repeating. Mia I hate you sometimes, why can’t we simply not binge?

Update

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

Having your han…

Having your hands smell like vomit. Yay!….

Short Story

I found this interesting and it made me think.  Why do I want this?  Why is this one of my goals? What must be wrong with me for me to strive for this?

 

“She’s fading away, you know that right?”

“But she eats. I see her eat… I mean, I think I do”

“She’s fucked up! She’s a manipulative bitch. A compulsive liar. She’s smart Bella, she’s smarter than you. And she knows it”

“Did you see her legs? Sticks!”

“I know, I know. What are you going to do?”

“I dunno, send her away. I don’t know how to deal with her attention seeking shit. She’s your daughter anyway”

“I don’t know what to do Karl! What can I do?” Mum cried.

“Oh, shut up Bella. You know how much I hate it when you cry”

“I just, I just, I dunno wha’ to do”

“We’ll take her that Mr. Clensy guy. Don’t matter if it cost me a fortune. She’s my Bella’s girl, means she’s my girl” Karl lied.

 

 

A very skinny girl looked back at me.

Her hair was thin and loose. Eyes sunken and dark. Lips chapped and broken.

A very fat girl.

Fat

Fat

Fat

I lift my arms up and she does too. 6 bones expand through her pale skin. I twist my upper torso to the right. Pointy hips jive away, protruding from the stomach.

Dam fucking fat pouch

Why couldn’t you just go away

A very fat girl looked at me

Red scars.

Thick, red scars. Fat, lines, lines, lines. Perfect little slices of relief. Like scrolls of secrets lining her thighs, wrists, stomach.

Look at your thighs! Ana screamed at me

Look at them! God, you’re pathetic!

 

 

“So, do you know why you’re here?”

Bright lights. Stench. Cleanliness.

Something metallic protruding from my arm. A drip.

“When did you last eat?” Mr. Clensy asked.

White lights. Bright white lights.

More scars. Thick, deep. Red. Cavernous.

I turn my face away.

Nearly there hun. Nearly at perfection.

You’re nearly a feather.

You’re nearly free.

My day consiste…

My day consisted of binging and purging, a little bit of homework, followed by more binging and purging. I’m so weak!     

I told myself that I wouldn’t eat anything today….and then I eat a carrot. I told myself that I would stop there and not fall into a binge…..then I proceed to eat everything in sight; fruit, grilled mushrooms, grilled cheese sandwich, avocado and vegemite sandwich, peanut butter, corn thins, a muesli bar, an apple muffin, dark chocolate, ritz crackers. I told myself that I would keep it down because I need to stop purging so often……and then I vomit everything that I just ate, plus what felt like my entire digestive tract.    

Usually it stops there, but not this bloody time. After I did an hour or two of homework I sat in my room telling my stomach to shut up and myself that I wasn’t hungry……….but then I proceeded to make myself a bowl of oatmeal, a mandarin, corn thins and hummus, a packet of veggie chips and four pieces of fruit cake. After that I didn’t even bother trying to convince myself not to purge because I knew that whether I wanted to or not, it was going to happen. I hate this.

Dear Family,

I would kindly appreciate it if you could all stay downstairs so that I can purge all of the food that I just ate without you hearing me.

Yours sincerely, Me.

The binge-purge cycle

The binge-purge cycle

Vomitttttttttttttttttttttt

I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge. I need to purge.

My God, I feel so so sick. I’m definitely not eating tomorrow, I need to feel empty again.

If only she knew…

I was talking to my best friend on the phone earlier, who used to have an eating disorder around the same time as me, and she started telling me how she’s been losing weight by eating mainly salad this week. She says that she’s really happy because she knows that her eating disorder isn’t back because she isn’t scared to eat chocolate or other indulgent foods. Meanwhile I’m thinking, “If only you knew what I’ve been doing for the past month. If only you knew how much even salad scares me. If only you knew how beautiful my bones are beginning to look.”                    I need more friends who think the same way that I do, apart from Ana and Mia of course.

BMI chart

BMI Chart