PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: pain

The Most Painful Thing I Have Ever Felt

This is mad. It’s insane and I still don’t understand why or how it happened. I didn’t even like girls until I fell in love with her. Being in love with someone you can never have is like being surrounded with water when you are dying of thirst, yet being told you can’t drink any of it. It is so painful and does slowly kill you. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to think. I don’t know if I should leave our beautiful friendship of eight years, the happiness that being her best friend brings or if I should stay and pray to god it passes. I’m scared. I’m scared it’s all going to be too much and I won’t be able to cope. I’m scared of ruining her happiness by telling her how much it hurts me that I can’t have her and he can. I hate this feeling. I hate love and I hate that I’ve fallen for her and she will never love me in the way that I do her. This pain is truly like no other.

To Cut or Not To Cut

I don’t even know anymore

Today

You broke my heart.

Hate!

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, you!

I wish that I could just die already.

They don’t notice and they don’t care.

My younger sister has become quite down over the past week or two so my mum now thinks that she has depression. I don’t understand. One small change in her character and the entire family swarms to try and help. I’ve had eating problems for the past four years and all I get is abuse from everyone for not eating or eating too much. I’ve had depression on and off for the past five years and nobody has ever noticed or said a thing. I’ve tried to take my life twice and contemplate it at least twice a day, and nobody notices how much pain I’m in or asks how I am. I’ve been self-harming for the second time around for nearly a year and nobody said anything when I was younger and nobody cares now. I could successfully attempt suicide and they still probably wouldn’t care because my sister is a little blue. Why don’t they care about me?

Ouch

Constantly ripping open the cuts on my legs while I walk. They’re probably never going to heal at this rate.

I can’t even begin…

to explain how shit I feel right now. It hasn’t even hit mother’s day yet and I’ve already become overwhelmed by the amount of food placed in front of me and how much I’ve eaten. My eyes sting from purging so much and I don’t have the energy to get it all out of me, my hands are dry and sting like a bitch, my lips are so chapped the feel like they’re about to fall off and even cutting myself isn’t making me feel better or in some form of power. I feel completely and utterly helpless and alone. All I want is someone to cuddle me without commenting that they can feel my bones or wanting to talk about everything. Just to cuddle me in silence until I fall asleep. That my friends, would be perfect.

Oh Lord!

I have the worst headache and shakes from what is probably my worst binge/purge session ever. This is not a good way to start the weekend, especially when I have multiple mothers day family events to attend. This weekend is going to kill me.

This is fucked.

I set up this blog so that I could have a place to write my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them all bottled up. Tonight though, I binged so badly that I don’t even feel worthy of being logged into it…

I’m a mess. I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going.   My hair is falling out, my mouth had ulcers in it, my gums are raw as hell and sting constantly, my right hand is dry, cracked and gross, I have little sores all over my body, I haven’t had a period in nearly three months, I’m getting that stupid fine hair on my stomach and back, but do you know what the worst thing is?  The worst thing is that I’m experiencing all of these side effects, but I’m still fat.

Exercise injuries

I hurt my right leg working out yesterday. It doesn’t feel like I pulled a muscle or stretched tendon, it’s more in the joint and hurts everytime I move it. I’m in pain when I walk, sit, lay down with more of my weight on my right side, and was nearly in tears when I finished my workout last night. I can’t even contemplate doing any decent amount of exercise today, unless the pain goes away. I’m so disappointed in myself.