PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: Ana

How?

How do you help someone battle their demons and find the will to survive, when you’re being eaten alive by yours and your life is simply hanging by a thread?
I can’t tell her, I need to stay strong for her, but I’m crumbling.

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Update

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

Bones, bones, beautiful bones

Bones, bones, beautiful bones

Short Story

I found this interesting and it made me think.  Why do I want this?  Why is this one of my goals? What must be wrong with me for me to strive for this?

 

“She’s fading away, you know that right?”

“But she eats. I see her eat… I mean, I think I do”

“She’s fucked up! She’s a manipulative bitch. A compulsive liar. She’s smart Bella, she’s smarter than you. And she knows it”

“Did you see her legs? Sticks!”

“I know, I know. What are you going to do?”

“I dunno, send her away. I don’t know how to deal with her attention seeking shit. She’s your daughter anyway”

“I don’t know what to do Karl! What can I do?” Mum cried.

“Oh, shut up Bella. You know how much I hate it when you cry”

“I just, I just, I dunno wha’ to do”

“We’ll take her that Mr. Clensy guy. Don’t matter if it cost me a fortune. She’s my Bella’s girl, means she’s my girl” Karl lied.

 

 

A very skinny girl looked back at me.

Her hair was thin and loose. Eyes sunken and dark. Lips chapped and broken.

A very fat girl.

Fat

Fat

Fat

I lift my arms up and she does too. 6 bones expand through her pale skin. I twist my upper torso to the right. Pointy hips jive away, protruding from the stomach.

Dam fucking fat pouch

Why couldn’t you just go away

A very fat girl looked at me

Red scars.

Thick, red scars. Fat, lines, lines, lines. Perfect little slices of relief. Like scrolls of secrets lining her thighs, wrists, stomach.

Look at your thighs! Ana screamed at me

Look at them! God, you’re pathetic!

 

 

“So, do you know why you’re here?”

Bright lights. Stench. Cleanliness.

Something metallic protruding from my arm. A drip.

“When did you last eat?” Mr. Clensy asked.

White lights. Bright white lights.

More scars. Thick, deep. Red. Cavernous.

I turn my face away.

Nearly there hun. Nearly at perfection.

You’re nearly a feather.

You’re nearly free.

I hate that I’m so damn weak!

  • I hate my thighs
  • I hate my stomach
  • I hate my arms
  • I hate my face
  • I hate my flat chest
  • I hate how fat I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how sometimes I can’t say no
  • I hate the scars that are permanently on my legs and that though I hate them I continue to make them worse
  • I hate me
  • I hate that I can never win
  • I hate that I like food
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate that people care
  • I hate that I can’t be thin enough
  • I hate how hard it is getting to lose weight
  • I hate how lonely I feel all of the time
  • I hate how awkward I am
  • I hate that though I’m surrounded by people, I feel like nobody notices me
  • I hate how people always use me
  • I hate how I let people use me
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how I am so easy to forget
  • I hate how stupid I am
  • I hate how I let all of these things get to me
  • I hate how I push everyone away
  • I hate waking up every morning
  • I hate the feeling of wanting to sleep forever
  • I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it
  • I hate how I don’t want help
  • I hate how my younger siblings/cousins look up to me, when I’m a crumbling mess and would rather die than have any of them end up like me
  • I hate the way that I look
  • I hate the way that I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
Bones

Bones

Two day fast

I’m putting this on here so that I have even more reason not to give in and not to fail. I’m going to fast for two days or possibly three, depending on how I feel, starting tomorrow. Nothing but water and tea. I have to do this, I have to pull this off. I need to be thin, boney, fragile and less than 54kgs by Friday morning.

I had this new …

I had this new idea that if I ate three times a day, but really small and low calorie meals, I would be able to prevent myself from binging and then lose more weight in the process. Tonight is clear proof that my idea is shit and doesn’t work. I binged terribly on fucking honey roasted macadamia nuts and homemade rye bread. The worst thing is that the reason I started doing it was because I thought in my head, “It’s OK, you can afford to have one and then still be under your limit” The problem is that once I start I hardly ever can stop. You can’t afford to have one. You can’t afford to have any you stupid, fat, dumb, ugly girl. Back to eating next to nothing and fasting for days on end you go.

New plan: Don’t eat unless you’re with people and they are suspicious, or you feel like you are about to keel over and die.

You know that you’re fucked when…

You spend ages trying to find thinspo that you actually find thin because most of the girls look fat to you now.

Thinspo quote

Thinspo quote