PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: alone

Alone

And just like that, I’m alone again

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To Cut or Not To Cut

I don’t even know anymore

Update 23/09/2012

I’m sorry I haven’t posted on here in a while. Things have been pretty shit recently, in terms of my entire existence. I’m struggling to push through every single day and haven’t been able to fathom doing anything apart from sitting in bed or sleeping.

I’m selfish, I’m cruel, I’m alone and I’m better off dead.

Snow White

I want to be like Snow White, asleep forever, but with no Prince Charming to wake me. Frozen in time, like a pale, fragile and perfect angel.

Ughh

Sitting here eating corn thins after already downing fruit, rice crackers, two muesli bars, two crumpets, a bowl of cereal, digestive biscuits and yoghurt. Why so weak? Why so fat? I could have lasted. I didn’t need to eat.

 

Stupid fat bitch.

Today

You broke my heart.

Wow

I just came so close to telling my stepdad everything that is going on. Both my parents keep blaming my best friend. I have a horrible feeling that I’m going to crumble and tell them, then end up in a crazy hospital somewhere.

I feel so vague…

I feel so vague and absent today. I’m completely numb.

I’m so fucking weak!

This is why I hate myself and this is why I will never be as thin and perfect as I want to be.

I will always be fat, never skinny. I will always have scars, never perfect skin. I will always be weak, never strong because strong isn’t my nature. I’m always weak, always at the bottom, always the one being pushed around by something, always the one suffering. I hate myself.

Why is it always the same three things: starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.

It’s never going to end.

They don’t notice and they don’t care.

My younger sister has become quite down over the past week or two so my mum now thinks that she has depression. I don’t understand. One small change in her character and the entire family swarms to try and help. I’ve had eating problems for the past four years and all I get is abuse from everyone for not eating or eating too much. I’ve had depression on and off for the past five years and nobody has ever noticed or said a thing. I’ve tried to take my life twice and contemplate it at least twice a day, and nobody notices how much pain I’m in or asks how I am. I’ve been self-harming for the second time around for nearly a year and nobody said anything when I was younger and nobody cares now. I could successfully attempt suicide and they still probably wouldn’t care because my sister is a little blue. Why don’t they care about me?