PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: binge

Damn Laxatives

Took 5 laxatives when you’re only supposed to have 3 max. Probably going to die and poop out my entire digestive system tomorrow. Yay!

Woops

It’s just come to my attention how much everything has changed for me since I was religiously blogging on here. I used to only care about managing to get through a day on no food or doing brutal amounts of exercise. Now not eating is just the norm for me, it’s barely a struggle because I hate food so damn much. My life now completely revolves around starving, binging/purging, cigarettes, cutting and drugs. I think I’m now a perfect example of what not to do. Ha I’m pretty much fucked until I die.

One Day.

Yesterday- Fasting, diet cokes, cigarettes

Today- Food, diet cokes, cigarettes, laxatives

One day I’m going to have a normal day that I don’t feel guilty about. One day.

I’m so fucking weak!

This is why I hate myself and this is why I will never be as thin and perfect as I want to be.

I will always be fat, never skinny. I will always have scars, never perfect skin. I will always be weak, never strong because strong isn’t my nature. I’m always weak, always at the bottom, always the one being pushed around by something, always the one suffering. I hate myself.

Why is it always the same three things: starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.

It’s never going to end.

Food Log: 9/08/2012

I ate nothing all day until I got to work and the girls had champagne and cookies out the back. I was light-headed and the champagne didn’t help so I had a cookie, which turned to two, which turned to three and you can probably work out the rest. It only got worse once I got home. I probably consumed at least 1500 calories by the end of my disgusting binge on porridge, muffins, doritos, yoghurt, fruit, tabouli, corn thins and cake. I’ll just have to look at this day as my ‘muck up day’ for the week :(

Update

I went from fasting for 41 hours to a 700 calorie binge because I’m stressing about school which will then result in fasting for at least 48 hours and then repeating. Mia I hate you sometimes, why can’t we simply not binge?

Ughh yuck!

I.Feel.So.Disgusting.

Blehh fjgnkfjgkjfgkfgjk :(

Update

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

Having your han…

Having your hands smell like vomit. Yay!….

This week has a…

This week has and will continue to be quite complicated. I’ve had family get-togethers and meals literally every second or third day. So naturally, I’m fasting in between in an effort not to lose my progress(because when I go to those things I nearly always binge. I have no control unless I don’t eat at all). I think it’s working, but honestly, I’m too scared to step onto the scales to check. Last time I thought I was doing well and weighed myself it said that I had put on 3 kgs. It’s was only water weight mind you because it was off two days later, but still. Seeing those numbers on the scale caused me to breakdown and cry/scream/self-harm/scream/cry/mope around liked a family member had just died. I don’t need that again.

My hair is still falling out at a rapid rate, so I’ve started to take the pile of supplements that my Mum bought me a while ago and I went out and bought specific ones for hair health. I have no clue as to whether they’re working because it says that you have to wait a little over a month to notice. I wouldn’t mind if they kicked in a little early or just stopped my hair falling out. I’m honestly surprised that I’m not bald yet. I keep expecting to touch my head in the morning and feel a huge bald patch. I don’t even know why my hair is falling out. That happens when people are emaciated and I’m certainly not at that stage yet. My BMI is still in the ‘healthy’ range for god’s sake!  At least if I were thin I would have something good come out of it, but at this stage I’m still fat and all of the shitty side-effects of nutrition deficiency are kicking in.

I hate this. I just want to be skinny.