PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: dark thoughts

Weird Feels

Wanting to eat, but knowing that you can’t.  Wanting to scream, but knowing that it will only exhaust you. Wanting to feel something, but knowing that the only thing I can ever feel is pain. Wanting to simply die, but knowing that it’s out of the question now. I just want to be skin and bones already. Why must I always feel this way?

Advertisements

Just Adding to my Insanity

This is going to make me seem even more messed up, but it’s been on my mind for a while.

I always have thought of Bulimia as the weak side of eating disorders. It’s the name given to the people who aren’t strong enough to starve themselves for long periods of time, the ones who need to purge or take huge amounts of laxatives because they can’t control themselves around food, the weak ones. I suppose that’s why I never feel good enough. Even when I have my days of feeling thin, I still feel weak because I know that I got there from purging everything that I ate, not simply not eating.

I have times when I go a few days without eating, but that’s only because of the days prior that I couldn’t purge all of the crap that I ate. It’s an endless cycle and it sucks. I don’t remember how not to think or feel like I do, and I believe that it’s impossible for me to ever go back to it. Even if I ate normally and stopped vomiting my mind would still be in the same place.

People seem to think that if I put on weight or eat normally I’m better. It doesn’t take a genius to know that is not the case, but then again they are all slaves to food so they mustn’t be very clever after all.
I just want bones. I just want thin.

My Dark Place

I hadn’t cut for around two months and just blew it all. I can tell that I’m going into my dark place again, but to be honest, I don’t care. Yes, it was dark, my thoughts, my feelings, but I felt close to something. I can’t quite explain it, but when I listened to certain music I felt at peace and close to the musicians. I only get those feelings of content and closeness when I’m in my dark mindset. I don’t bring it on or encourage it, but I certainly won’t fight it anymore.

Short Story

I found this interesting and it made me think.  Why do I want this?  Why is this one of my goals? What must be wrong with me for me to strive for this?

 

“She’s fading away, you know that right?”

“But she eats. I see her eat… I mean, I think I do”

“She’s fucked up! She’s a manipulative bitch. A compulsive liar. She’s smart Bella, she’s smarter than you. And she knows it”

“Did you see her legs? Sticks!”

“I know, I know. What are you going to do?”

“I dunno, send her away. I don’t know how to deal with her attention seeking shit. She’s your daughter anyway”

“I don’t know what to do Karl! What can I do?” Mum cried.

“Oh, shut up Bella. You know how much I hate it when you cry”

“I just, I just, I dunno wha’ to do”

“We’ll take her that Mr. Clensy guy. Don’t matter if it cost me a fortune. She’s my Bella’s girl, means she’s my girl” Karl lied.

 

 

A very skinny girl looked back at me.

Her hair was thin and loose. Eyes sunken and dark. Lips chapped and broken.

A very fat girl.

Fat

Fat

Fat

I lift my arms up and she does too. 6 bones expand through her pale skin. I twist my upper torso to the right. Pointy hips jive away, protruding from the stomach.

Dam fucking fat pouch

Why couldn’t you just go away

A very fat girl looked at me

Red scars.

Thick, red scars. Fat, lines, lines, lines. Perfect little slices of relief. Like scrolls of secrets lining her thighs, wrists, stomach.

Look at your thighs! Ana screamed at me

Look at them! God, you’re pathetic!

 

 

“So, do you know why you’re here?”

Bright lights. Stench. Cleanliness.

Something metallic protruding from my arm. A drip.

“When did you last eat?” Mr. Clensy asked.

White lights. Bright white lights.

More scars. Thick, deep. Red. Cavernous.

I turn my face away.

Nearly there hun. Nearly at perfection.

You’re nearly a feather.

You’re nearly free.

I hate that I’m so damn weak!

  • I hate my thighs
  • I hate my stomach
  • I hate my arms
  • I hate my face
  • I hate my flat chest
  • I hate how fat I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how sometimes I can’t say no
  • I hate the scars that are permanently on my legs and that though I hate them I continue to make them worse
  • I hate me
  • I hate that I can never win
  • I hate that I like food
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate that people care
  • I hate that I can’t be thin enough
  • I hate how hard it is getting to lose weight
  • I hate how lonely I feel all of the time
  • I hate how awkward I am
  • I hate that though I’m surrounded by people, I feel like nobody notices me
  • I hate how people always use me
  • I hate how I let people use me
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how I am so easy to forget
  • I hate how stupid I am
  • I hate how I let all of these things get to me
  • I hate how I push everyone away
  • I hate waking up every morning
  • I hate the feeling of wanting to sleep forever
  • I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it
  • I hate how I don’t want help
  • I hate how my younger siblings/cousins look up to me, when I’m a crumbling mess and would rather die than have any of them end up like me
  • I hate the way that I look
  • I hate the way that I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
Dark thoughts

Dark thoughts

This is exactly what goes through my head whenever I’m left alone with my thoughts.