I think I’ve fallen in love with my best friend…
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My mind has been passing through thoughts of trying to recover, thoughts of continuing with my ‘comfortable’ lifestyle and terrifying thoughts and urges to take my own life. I’ve come to a few conclusions:
1. I’m never going to get better, so I either live with starving myself or the mental torture of trying to eat, being fat and sad.
2. My depression and suicidal thoughts are linked to my eating, so when I don’t eat they don’t happen.
3. I only cut myself when I eat, so if I don’t eat I won’t cut and perhaps my legs can become close to beautiful.
4. My goal was to be thin for summer, which is now one month away, and I’ve wasted months going back and forth from eating and starving, when I should have been getting thinner and ready.
Putting these conclusions together points to one and only one resolution. I can’t get better because I have to be skinny, fragile and beautiful. My life all falls into place when I’m thin.
I’m back now. I’m motivated and driven and I’m going to get thinner than before. I bloody well have to. I miss my chest bones and I hate getting my period. I need thin. I also need all of your help too. I can’t fail this time. I’ve finished school now so fatigue is no longer an issue and I won’t need to eat just to pass a test. I just have to get skinny again.
Imagine you’re 100 pounds. You wake up and slip on those small jeans with ease. You put on a plain white tank top, it looks amazing. You go into the bathroom, you brush your hair which is long and down to your tiny waist. You decide to just put some lipstick and mascara on because you already look beautiful. You leave your house and as your walking down the street people turn their heads to look at you. That thought is enough thinspo for me to succeed with this.
I hadn’t cut for around two months and just blew it all. I can tell that I’m going into my dark place again, but to be honest, I don’t care. Yes, it was dark, my thoughts, my feelings, but I felt close to something. I can’t quite explain it, but when I listened to certain music I felt at peace and close to the musicians. I only get those feelings of content and closeness when I’m in my dark mindset. I don’t bring it on or encourage it, but I certainly won’t fight it anymore.