Update

by Perpetual Slumber

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

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