PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: fail

Ughh

Sitting here eating corn thins after already downing fruit, rice crackers, two muesli bars, two crumpets, a bowl of cereal, digestive biscuits and yoghurt. Why so weak? Why so fat? I could have lasted. I didn’t need to eat.

 

Stupid fat bitch.

Ughhhh…. djfbsdkjbfksjdbfkdjfs

My mum made me dinner tonight, there was no way of avoiding it. She’s working tomorrow so there should be no reason to mess up. I just want my bones back :(

Food Log: 11/12/13-08-2012

I’m ashamed to say that I lost most of my self control over the past three days. I would say that I easily consumed between 1000-1500 each day. I wasn’t even hungry when I ate, I just did it. I went out today and bought some appetite suppressants and I’ve starting reading novels about eating disorders. It humors me how the girls in the books think exactly like I do, it’s almost like having a friend. A friend who doesn’t tell you to eat or question your every move, a friend who understands.

I haven’t eaten anything today, I’m just going to see how long I can go without eating a thing. I’ve noticed that when I set times that I’m supposed to be fasting I find it really quite difficult. So this time there is no set period. I’m just starving until I can’t take it anymore.

Update

I went from fasting for 41 hours to a 700 calorie binge because I’m stressing about school which will then result in fasting for at least 48 hours and then repeating. Mia I hate you sometimes, why can’t we simply not binge?

Just Adding to my Insanity

This is going to make me seem even more messed up, but it’s been on my mind for a while.

I always have thought of Bulimia as the weak side of eating disorders. It’s the name given to the people who aren’t strong enough to starve themselves for long periods of time, the ones who need to purge or take huge amounts of laxatives because they can’t control themselves around food, the weak ones. I suppose that’s why I never feel good enough. Even when I have my days of feeling thin, I still feel weak because I know that I got there from purging everything that I ate, not simply not eating.

I have times when I go a few days without eating, but that’s only because of the days prior that I couldn’t purge all of the crap that I ate. It’s an endless cycle and it sucks. I don’t remember how not to think or feel like I do, and I believe that it’s impossible for me to ever go back to it. Even if I ate normally and stopped vomiting my mind would still be in the same place.

People seem to think that if I put on weight or eat normally I’m better. It doesn’t take a genius to know that is not the case, but then again they are all slaves to food so they mustn’t be very clever after all.
I just want bones. I just want thin.

Update

Things aren’t going well for me, not in the slightest. I’m losing control of everything and I can’t stop it. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I can hardly control myself and am just managing to maintain my weight with the horrible and addictive binge/purge cycle. It’s disgusting and it hurts and I wish that I had never started it. All that I want is to be thinner and to at least maintain being at 53kgs. At least I could stay at that weight while I try to fix my head.

I just love food so much. The taste, the smell, the texture, the sight, everything! It’s on my mind 24/7, like it’s taunting me. Sometimes I give in and then all I can picture is it filling in my collarbones, ribs and back with all of the fat that is in it. The yellow, slimy, gooey fat. Then it all becomes too much. I run the shower and try to get as much of it up and out as I can. That usually makes me feel better, but some days it doesn’t. Some days it just isn’t enough. Those are the days when only the sight of blood seems to make me feel slightly better. They are the worst days…

Having your han…

Having your hands smell like vomit. Yay!….

Just kill me

I seem to have put on so much weight over the past two days. I can’t even look at myself. I’m disgusting, fat, weak and gross. Why did I let this happen? Ughhh

And to make matters worse, my hair is falling out everywhere. So I’m fat with rapidly thinning hair. Oh yay!….

Eww

You know that you’ve been eating too much when your period comes back. Go away you gross, womanly reminder of my failure!

Why did I just do that?

I was just talking to my step-dad and mindlessly ate five marshmallows. I seriously didn’t realise what I had done until I went back into my bedroom. I don’t even know how that happened. Ughh!