The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: diet plan

August will be my month!

I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m sick of waking up feeling terrible because of how much I ate the day before. This changes now, this changes today. My control is coming back, I won’t be a slave to food and cravings anymore. I want my bones, I want my thigh gap, I want me back.

August is the month for me. I’m going to log my intake every day, with only a few rules:

  1. Hot drinks (black tea, green tea, low-cal cocoa [All less that 30 calories per serve and <1 fat]) won’t be counted, but low-cal cocoa will be taken sparingly.
  2. Net Calories won’t be calculated. (It makes me think that I can eat more when I’ve done more exercise than usual)
  3. If you aren’t sure of all the ingredients in a meal, don’t eat it. (The calories can’t be known or estimated properly)
  4. Allow yourself one day in the week for a mini-splurge. (This will prevent binges during the week and give you something to look forward to)
  5. Intake will be logged at the end of every day, even the splurge days.                                 

Weekend Plans

Writing things on here is somewhat like a contract for me. When I put ideas or instructions down in front of me I find it much easier to stick to then when I just make a mental note.

For that reason I’m typing this out; I’m going to fast today and try my hardest to fast tomorrow and the following day (I have family coming over potentially for dinner, in which case I’ll have to eat something) If it gets to Saturday night or during Sunday and I really have to eat for whatever reason, I will only eat either vegetables or rice cakes. They are the only two foods that I will allow myself to eat. Bones don’t show from eating. Bones show from showing strength and willpower. We want bones.

I had this new …

I had this new idea that if I ate three times a day, but really small and low calorie meals, I would be able to prevent myself from binging and then lose more weight in the process. Tonight is clear proof that my idea is shit and doesn’t work. I binged terribly on fucking honey roasted macadamia nuts and homemade rye bread. The worst thing is that the reason I started doing it was because I thought in my head, “It’s OK, you can afford to have one and then still be under your limit” The problem is that once I start I hardly ever can stop. You can’t afford to have one. You can’t afford to have any you stupid, fat, dumb, ugly girl. Back to eating next to nothing and fasting for days on end you go.

New plan: Don’t eat unless you’re with people and they are suspicious, or you feel like you are about to keel over and die.


I’m reading through thinspo on Tumblr, as I usually do for my daily motivation, and I’ve come across this one girls diet plan for the day. She’s complaining about her weight, saying how she feels so fat compared to other girls, but at least she can control her weight and change that. She then writes that she made two jam sandwiches on white bread…..  

Um excuse me? Tumblr girl? Yeah, this is why you’re fat.

Feeling powerful. Feeling strong.

I burnt 859 calories on my bike ride!! I’m so proud and happy ^.^  I’ve planned my dinner so that I don’t ruin it tonight, because I know that my step-mum will make me eat something. I’m going to make some roast vegetables and maybe some miso soup, depending on how well my willpower is hanging up. I can actually see myself being at 55kgs again by Monday or Tuesday and I’m excited to weigh myself for a change :D

I’ve just work…

I’ve just worked out that within the past month I’ve lost nearly 15 lbs. That is including the nights were I had the odd binge and stuff up, and I’ve still lost weight!  If over this month I try my hardest to control my binging and exercise more I can easily lose more than that and be under 100 lbs in the next four weeks! :)    I’m so excited! :D When I go back to school after the holidays I’m going to be thin, boney, fragile and beautiful!

I’m going to C…

I’m going to Comic Con today which I’m so excited about I don’t even know what to do :D

I’m going to be walking around all day and I can use the excuse that food is too expensive to get out of eating and hopefully I’ll be able to restrain myself when I get home so I don’t see a replay of what happened last night. If today all goes according to plan, it’s going to be a brilliant day :)

Cheese Pizza

Why do people on thinspo blogs who are trying to restrict calories always eat cheese pizza?   I’ve seen around six different food logs with people being all healthy and then eating cheese pizza for dinner. Like sure it tastes nice, but if you want to lose the jelly around your belly why take up over 100 calories for one slice of greasy and unhealthy food?   I can’t even comprehend what must be going through their minds when they think, “Oh yeah, I’m fat so I’m going to restrict calories. Oh wait, is that cheese pizza?”  Like they can’t all seriously think that they are going to become thin after eating cheese pizza for dinner. I understand if it’s a binge or something, but seriously, why do so many people end up binging on it then? Does it have legs or something? Does it charge at them and dive down their throats?  This cheese pizza is beginning to look like a rather sinister character…

Net. Calories

I didn’t eat breakfast today because I felt like crap after my movie binge last night and I’ve developed a gross and huge blister on my foot from going on a long walk in thongs, so I couldn’t manage anymore walking.

B Nothing

L Nothing

D 1 carrot (30) A cup of cucumber sticks (16) 4 Kalamata olives (24)

Total Intake: 70 calories

Outake: Walking to school and then home (-93)

Net Calorie: -23                                                 I’m quite happy with that :)


I have to get used to eating cucumber. It has hardly any calories and doesn’t make me feel bloated. I love it, but when I’m hungry I always forget that we have enough to feed an army in our fridge and end up eating something stupid like cheese or nuts. I must eat cucumber! Cucumber.Cucumber.Cucumber.Cucumber.Cucumber.Cucumber.Cucumber.