PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: fat

Damn Laxatives

Took 5 laxatives when you’re only supposed to have 3 max. Probably going to die and poop out my entire digestive system tomorrow. Yay!

I’m Back!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My mind has been passing through thoughts of trying to recover, thoughts of continuing with my ‘comfortable’ lifestyle and terrifying thoughts and urges to take my own life. I’ve come to a few conclusions:

1. I’m never going to get better, so I either live with starving myself or the mental torture of trying to eat, being fat and sad.

2. My depression and suicidal thoughts are linked to my eating, so when I don’t eat they don’t happen.

3. I only cut myself when I eat, so if I don’t eat I won’t cut and perhaps my legs can become close to beautiful.

4. My goal was to be thin for summer, which is now one month away, and I’ve wasted months going back and forth from eating and starving, when I should have been getting thinner and ready.

Putting these conclusions together points to one and only one resolution. I can’t get better because I have to be skinny, fragile and beautiful. My life all falls into place when I’m thin.

I’m back now. I’m motivated and driven and I’m going to get thinner than before. I bloody well have to. I miss my chest bones and I hate getting my period. I need thin. I also need all of your help too. I can’t fail this time. I’ve finished school now so fatigue is no longer an issue and I won’t need to eat just to pass a test. I just have to get skinny again.

Life is Shit When…

You can’t vomit up everything that you just ate because you’re too tired. I hate food.

One Day.

Yesterday- Fasting, diet cokes, cigarettes

Today- Food, diet cokes, cigarettes, laxatives

One day I’m going to have a normal day that I don’t feel guilty about. One day.

FAT.FAT.FAT

I fucking hate my fat. Ughh.

Food

I hate food. Almost as much as I hate myself.

Ughh

Sitting here eating corn thins after already downing fruit, rice crackers, two muesli bars, two crumpets, a bowl of cereal, digestive biscuits and yoghurt. Why so weak? Why so fat? I could have lasted. I didn’t need to eat.

 

Stupid fat bitch.

I’m so fucking weak!

This is why I hate myself and this is why I will never be as thin and perfect as I want to be.

I will always be fat, never skinny. I will always have scars, never perfect skin. I will always be weak, never strong because strong isn’t my nature. I’m always weak, always at the bottom, always the one being pushed around by something, always the one suffering. I hate myself.

Why is it always the same three things: starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut. starve, binge, cut.

It’s never going to end.

Fat.

I don’t think that it’s possible for me to feel any grosser or more disgusted with myself

Having to be out in public when I feel like the size of an elephant is possibly one of the worst feelings