PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: cutting

Ouch

Constantly ripping open the cuts on my legs while I walk. They’re probably never going to heal at this rate.

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Wow

So I found out this morning that my ‘best friend’ had my ex-boyfriend over at her house last night until some hour of the morning because she was scared. Her defense was,”He offered”

Umm yep alright….

Now I feel like shit. Spent the last hour in the bathroom crying and cutting myself and now I’m feeling a binge about to occur. For the first time in three years death seems like a pretty good option.

Having your sis…

Having your sister try and push your door open and you tell her that she can’t come in because you’re comfortably positioned against the door……. when really you’re sitting there with blood stained tissues and cut legs and you can’t get up to let her in because it hurts too much to put your pants back on.

Ouch

Forgetting that you have healing cuts on your thighs and rolling over weirdly on your bed causing immense pain D;

My Friday Night

So I was going really well. I ate my salad and a small piece of bread. Then my cousin, who works at a bakery, came over with blueberry scones and banana bread. Since I’m the weak little girl that I am I completely caved and ate too much banana bread to mention on here and a blueberry scone, but that wasn’t enough for fat little me was it?! So I went and ate some lolly snakes and pretzels. God damnit!!  Then I went to the bathroom to purge it all, but my parents and cousin were sitting in the room next to the bathroom and after I purged most of what I eat I start to make weird noises and I knew that they would be able to hear me :( I purged all of the scone and for some reason all of the salad and veggie sausage, which I ate first. So I still have the banana bread, pretzels and snakes inside me. I feel so fat and bloated and sick and I just want to vomit it all up. I’ll probably end up cutting myself again tonight, since I only end up feeling worse as the night progresses. Just as my old cuts were beginning to heal…

This afternoon….

I went out this afternoon and ended up binging on every piece of bread, cupcake, hot cross bun and pastry known to man. I went for an hour walk when I got home, but that probably would have done nothing. As a result I feel like an absolute fat shit, but I’m determined not to cut myself for it (it hasn’t hit 9pm yet though, which is usually the time that I begin to feel depressed and end up doing it so we’ll see how that turns out). I do plan to try and eat only miso soup for the rest of the week though. It usually fills me up quite well so the only thing that will get in the way of it is my mum telling me that I have to eat something more. I have to have lost at least one kilogram by Friday!

Whenever I star…

Whenever I start to crave foods or think that I’m hungry I just push on my thighs with my hands. The cuts from when I binged last time are still pretty sore when I touch them. I know that it’s wrong, but it helps me to remember what will happen if I give in and that I shouldn’t. Cutting for me is an odd thing. I don’t do it to feel things because I’m numb or because I’m sad and don’t know how to handle it, I do it as punishment for myself when I do something that I promised I wouldn’t. It makes me feel better because it’s punishing myself for my mistakes and lets me accept that it’s done and move on. What must be wrong in my mind for me to even think like this?