The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: Willpower

I will be strong

I ate like a fat pig today, ughhh. This weekend I will be strong. I can’t afford to give in. I can’t afford to put on any weight. Fat is gross. Fat is not me. I will be 53kgs within two weeks at the maximum. I will be thin. I will be strong.


Quick Update

The pressures and workload of my final year at school are starting to build up, so my attention has been focused more on that than blogging. It should ease up a bit in the next week or two, but if not my holidays are in around five weeks. I’m not leaving, but my blogging will be slowed a lot.

My eating habits have been quite successful as of late. My willpower is going strong (even though I’ve been baking for my family) and I have a great plan going for this week. I’ve been fasting since yesterday and tonight I plan to break it with a small bowl of vegetable soup and then fast again until Friday night. Finger crossed!

Prevent a binge

Prevent a binge

Emotional Eater

I can’t stop eating at the moment so I’m going to roast up a whole heap of veggies and eat away my feelings. It’s also cold and rainy, which I love, except for the fact that I can’t go out running or for long walks because I have no sense of balance and get blown around in the wind and I’d rather not catch a cold.

I need to be stronger. If I can’t exercise as much, my intake has to be less. Be strong. Think thin. Think skinny. Thin girls don’t eat away their feelings, so you shouldn’t either. You must get thin!

I love being in power

I didn’t plan to eat dinner tonight so I was playing computer games in my bedroom. My Dad yells out to me saying that he’s made me dinner so naturally I freak out and try and think of all the ways that I can get out of it or get rid of the calories after. I walk downstairs and the kitchen smells interesting, I looked into the frying pan and he’s frying these flour covered weird vegetarian burgers. Straight away I freak out again telling him how I don’t eat things that other people cook for me because I like cooking for myself, especially things that are covered in flour and fried because it’s gross, but he put one on my plate anyway. I tried a tiny mouthful and they tasted like flour and dough, thankfully (If they had been like my Mum’s vegetarian burgers I would have been screwed because they taste amazing). I picked it apart saying that I was getting all of the flour off, which was about half the burger, and then played with it and squished it around my plate for about 10 minutes. I could feel everyone watching me, but I wasn’t going to eat this gross, floury, fried burger when I’m supposed to be fasting. I feel kind of bad because I think that I hurt my Dad’s feelings, but really, he’ll forget about it by tomorrow morning. If I downed all those calories from his gross burgers it would push me back a week and probably make me fatter. That would never be forgotten.


So tonight is the last night before I leave for camping tomorrow morning. It’s going to be next to impossible to skip meals and log what I’m eating since my Mum makes all these ‘camping meals’. I’m going to try to eat as little as I can and when I do hopefully it will be low-calorie, but I’m expecting my Mum to try and force feed me bread and potatoes. Then when I come home I’m going to be super strict and work out as much as I can. My goal is to lose another 5 kilograms before I go back to school which is about two weeks. If I lost two kilograms the week that I only fasted for two days, binged terribly at the beginning of and didn’t do that much exercise, I’m certain that I can do it! 

I’m feeling th…

I’m feeling the horrible need to binge, but I have to stay strong. I’ve decided that if the binge is going to happen it’s happening this weekend while I’m away. We’re camping so I’ll probably use the extra calories trying to regulate my body temperature, because it’s cold, and my family loves going for long walks when we go away. Hopefully I can try to control myself though.

That is then and this is now. So for now, no binging, keeping your net calories at a negative and finish your damn homework!

I’m going to l…

I’m going to let myself eat a little more for dinner tonight because I’ve been at a net. of under 0 calories for the past two days with doing hardly any exercise and eating nothing except for cucumber, mushroom and carrot. I’m scared of getting to a plateau. This is going to be so hard to eat without feeling guilty and to keep it down, but I’m going to try. I’ll make a salad with some vegan sausage and maybe a piece of bread. It’s so hard to stay strong when I go to my Dad’s because my step-mum is always baking things and they buy my favourite foods, but I’m going to try! 

I’ll be sure to keep you updated.

Sudden realisations

I’ve come to realise that my issue isn’t feeling hungry, craving the wrong foods or not having any self control. It’s simply that once I stop eating I find it hard to stop. So the longer that I can fast for, the better everything will be.

This idea brought me to my new approach. So that my body doesn’t go into starvation mode(if that is even possible within a few days) I’m going to plan fasts, but strategically so that I won’t be fasting when people will be paying attention to me and not for too long so that I won’t binge when I eat again, and only eating when I’m around others to stop them becoming suspicious of things. Now that I have my plan, let us see how long it works for!

So far so good :)

I skipped breakfast this morning (I know that it’s bad and I don’t usually do it), lunch and then walked home from school, which only takes about 15 minutes. I ate two red grapes because I was craving something sweet and managed to resist the newly stocked fridge and pantry. I’m quite proud of my willpower today. Tonight I have to cook dinner so I’m going to make vegetarian burgers with chips for everyone else and just have one veggie pattie and some salad for myself. If I resist the chips and bread, I’m going to reward myself with a lovely smaller number on the scales on Friday morning :)  

Tomorrow I plan to have half a muesli bar for breakfast with green tea, then my friend is coming over after school so I’ll make a salad to stop her from getting all in my face about eating again, once she leaves I’ll try and squeeze in a walk before piano, if not I’ll try my hardest to get out of dinner, but if that fails aswell I’ll make some scrambled egg whites and retire to my bedroom. Fingers crossed that everything goes according to plan, the first plan that is, not the one involving dinner and a missed walk.