PerpetualSlumber

The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: weak

Everything is g…

Everything is getting so damn difficult now. I can’t stick to doing anything and my internal strength and willpower is dwindling away. I’m just fat, weak, disturbed, alone and gross, and that’s all that I’ll ever be.

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Wow, I am 99% s…

Wow, I am 99% sure that I just watched my thighs inflate while I ate peanut butter on some rice crackers. Fucking hell!

Just Adding to my Insanity

This is going to make me seem even more messed up, but it’s been on my mind for a while.

I always have thought of Bulimia as the weak side of eating disorders. It’s the name given to the people who aren’t strong enough to starve themselves for long periods of time, the ones who need to purge or take huge amounts of laxatives because they can’t control themselves around food, the weak ones. I suppose that’s why I never feel good enough. Even when I have my days of feeling thin, I still feel weak because I know that I got there from purging everything that I ate, not simply not eating.

I have times when I go a few days without eating, but that’s only because of the days prior that I couldn’t purge all of the crap that I ate. It’s an endless cycle and it sucks. I don’t remember how not to think or feel like I do, and I believe that it’s impossible for me to ever go back to it. Even if I ate normally and stopped vomiting my mind would still be in the same place.

People seem to think that if I put on weight or eat normally I’m better. It doesn’t take a genius to know that is not the case, but then again they are all slaves to food so they mustn’t be very clever after all.
I just want bones. I just want thin.

Just kill me

I seem to have put on so much weight over the past two days. I can’t even look at myself. I’m disgusting, fat, weak and gross. Why did I let this happen? Ughhh

And to make matters worse, my hair is falling out everywhere. So I’m fat with rapidly thinning hair. Oh yay!….

I hate that I’m so damn weak!

  • I hate my thighs
  • I hate my stomach
  • I hate my arms
  • I hate my face
  • I hate my flat chest
  • I hate how fat I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how sometimes I can’t say no
  • I hate the scars that are permanently on my legs and that though I hate them I continue to make them worse
  • I hate me
  • I hate that I can never win
  • I hate that I like food
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate that people care
  • I hate that I can’t be thin enough
  • I hate how hard it is getting to lose weight
  • I hate how lonely I feel all of the time
  • I hate how awkward I am
  • I hate that though I’m surrounded by people, I feel like nobody notices me
  • I hate how people always use me
  • I hate how I let people use me
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how I am so easy to forget
  • I hate how stupid I am
  • I hate how I let all of these things get to me
  • I hate how I push everyone away
  • I hate waking up every morning
  • I hate the feeling of wanting to sleep forever
  • I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it
  • I hate how I don’t want help
  • I hate how my younger siblings/cousins look up to me, when I’m a crumbling mess and would rather die than have any of them end up like me
  • I hate the way that I look
  • I hate the way that I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak

I can’t even begin…

to explain how shit I feel right now. It hasn’t even hit mother’s day yet and I’ve already become overwhelmed by the amount of food placed in front of me and how much I’ve eaten. My eyes sting from purging so much and I don’t have the energy to get it all out of me, my hands are dry and sting like a bitch, my lips are so chapped the feel like they’re about to fall off and even cutting myself isn’t making me feel better or in some form of power. I feel completely and utterly helpless and alone. All I want is someone to cuddle me without commenting that they can feel my bones or wanting to talk about everything. Just to cuddle me in silence until I fall asleep. That my friends, would be perfect.

My day consiste…

My day consisted of binging and purging, a little bit of homework, followed by more binging and purging. I’m so weak!     

I told myself that I wouldn’t eat anything today….and then I eat a carrot. I told myself that I would stop there and not fall into a binge…..then I proceed to eat everything in sight; fruit, grilled mushrooms, grilled cheese sandwich, avocado and vegemite sandwich, peanut butter, corn thins, a muesli bar, an apple muffin, dark chocolate, ritz crackers. I told myself that I would keep it down because I need to stop purging so often……and then I vomit everything that I just ate, plus what felt like my entire digestive tract.    

Usually it stops there, but not this bloody time. After I did an hour or two of homework I sat in my room telling my stomach to shut up and myself that I wasn’t hungry……….but then I proceeded to make myself a bowl of oatmeal, a mandarin, corn thins and hummus, a packet of veggie chips and four pieces of fruit cake. After that I didn’t even bother trying to convince myself not to purge because I knew that whether I wanted to or not, it was going to happen. I hate this.

Why aren’t I thin?!

Apparently 1,400 calories is the recommended intake for a 4-6 year old girl. Normally I’d be lucky to make it over 200, so why am I still fat?

Oh that’s right, because I’m a weak, stupid, and fat girl who gives in to fucking grilled cheese sandwiches and raisin bread. Ughh!

Fat

Fat

How I feel and what I probably look like after my huge, failed binging night.

Beginning to fe…

Beginning to feel upset/angry/annoyed/frustrated as the consequences of my binging weekend are becoming more apparent.

Stupid weak little girl. You didn’t really think that you could eat the amount that you did without having to fast for the entire week afterwards, did you?