The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: mia

Note to self:

When planning to binge and purge don’t eat peanut butter.


Regurgitated peanut butter, I have never tasted anything as foul…

My Friday Night

So I was going really well. I ate my salad and a small piece of bread. Then my cousin, who works at a bakery, came over with blueberry scones and banana bread. Since I’m the weak little girl that I am I completely caved and ate too much banana bread to mention on here and a blueberry scone, but that wasn’t enough for fat little me was it?! So I went and ate some lolly snakes and pretzels. God damnit!!  Then I went to the bathroom to purge it all, but my parents and cousin were sitting in the room next to the bathroom and after I purged most of what I eat I start to make weird noises and I knew that they would be able to hear me :( I purged all of the scone and for some reason all of the salad and veggie sausage, which I ate first. So I still have the banana bread, pretzels and snakes inside me. I feel so fat and bloated and sick and I just want to vomit it all up. I’ll probably end up cutting myself again tonight, since I only end up feeling worse as the night progresses. Just as my old cuts were beginning to heal…

I need to purge…

I need to purge :(  Why is my house so small and the walls so thin? I feel so sick.


Remember the feeling of guilt, sickness and just fat that you felt sitting on the bathroom floor after you couldn’t purge the junk that you had just eaten. Remember feeling tired and fat after having a massive binge, knowing that it would take days to get back to the point that you were at before you ate. Remember how gross it feels to walk and feel your thighs rubbing against each other. Remember the fear when someone went to pick you up because you know that they couldn’t possibly lift you. Remember looking into the mirror and seeing a miserable fat girl staring back. Remember how strong, happy and proud you felt when you managed to say no to all of those bad things and eat almost nothing. Remember the feeling of seeing your ribs in the mirror. Remember the feeling of seeing the number shrink on the scales. Remember the feeling when people ask you if you’ve lost weight and say that you look really thin. Remember when you first noticed your hip bones sticking out. Remember the dizzy feeling that you had all of the time, the one that proved that you were making progress. Remember feeling cold even when everyone else said that it was warm. Remember feeling your bones when you ran your hands over your body. Remember the feeling of wearing shorts with your thighs hardly touching. Remember being the skinny friend. Remember being the girl who was in-control and didn’t let a stupid bowl of pasta or piece of bread tell her who was boss. Remember that lovely and permanent feeling of hunger, the feeling of fat leaving your body. Remember the feeling of looking at photos and actually being happy with the way that you look. Remember the feeling of sitting in McDonalds and hearing a girl behind you say that it’s always the skinny girls who come here and eat heaps, even though it was the first proper meal that you had eaten in weeks. Remember how it felt when people came up to you asking how you had lost so much weight. Remember how it felt being able to fit in to children’s clothes. Remember when people could lift you up as if you were a feather. Remember when boys looked at you and actually said wow. Now, remember what is carved into your huge jelly things. Every single time that you eat more than you should and can’t purge it, it is going to be made deeper. It says fat for a reason….



For some reason…

For some reason, once it hits 9pm I seem to be flooded with depressing feelings. I could be high as a kite and happy as anything, but once it hits 9 I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Also I made mini apple pies for my families dessert and completely caved and had one :( It was only just bigger than bite size, but it was still pastry. My gag reflex also seems to be failing me at the moment, making it almost impossible to purge. I had nearly my entire fist down my throat and nothing happened. This is not good.


I binged…. I …

I binged…. I always do this when I’m going so well! I had a handful of fat free marshmallows(which still contain calories, even though they’re pretty light), some pretzels, a small apple and almost a bowl of grapes :/ I managed to purge most of the grapes and apple, but only a bit of the pretzels. It was taking too long. I plan to go on a long walk tomorrow and eat nothing except for veggies, excluding my breakfast which will probably be two scrambled egg whites, now that I’ve worked out how much I should eat. Overall today my net calories was 560, which I’m not really happy about, but at least it’s under 600!

I know that I’m going to stuff up on the weekend because my mum keeps reminding me about the samosas in the freezer. I’ll try and eat them at a time when I know that I can purge them easily or after I’ve done a HUGE amount of exercise. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can’t my bones just poke out and I be thin without having to restrict everything that I eat? :(  I just want to be thin, for people to look at me and say that I’m too thin, just like they used to, for my hip bones to stick out, to be able to see my ribs pushing through my back, for my collarbones to look sickly, to have a killer thigh gap and to be under 50kg. That is all.

Biggest failure

I had a salad with a handful of spinach, some cucumber and carrot because I had to eat with everyone. They had pasta though so thank god I avoided that. Anyway, I couldn’t purge any of it :( I tried and tried, but all that came up was liquid and then nothing.I feel like such a fat failure. I’m supposed to be fasting!! I wanted to do it for at least 24 hours!   Thursday I’ll definitely pull it off though. Mum works late so nobody is home to hound me about it and if I’m lucky I can be almost in bed when she gets home so she won’t ask me what I had and if I want anything else.

Then to make matter worse I just got told that we have friends coming over for pizza on Friday night. I’m just going to pull out the ‘I don’t like pizza excuse’, but I’ll still feel like they’re watching me and judging me on what I’m eating. I’ll have to eat something because they’ll be all in my face about it otherwise, so maybe I’ll roast some vegetables or something. It’s like a never ending fight to avoid situations involving food. Why do people eat so much and so often? I just want to be alone with Ana so I can actually achieve my goals.

Stupid fast bei…

Stupid fast being ruined by my mum inviting people over and making me eat with them. If I can’t manage to purge it all I’m going to I’m going to cry myself to sleep and tomorrow walk until I can’t feel my legs anymore. Ughh this would be so much easier if I lived alone.

Fasting update

I’ve done really well so far and haven’t eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. My stepsister is coming over for her birthday dinner tonight though and I can’t get out of it. So I’m going to make a really basic salad and then try to purge it all afterwards. I don’t purge that often, but I don’t see a way out of it this time. I’m meant to be fasting!!