The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: family

My family doesn’t believe that I weigh more than 50kgs Haha. Nice joke, I wish that I weighed less than that, but sorry, I’m still fat.


This week has a…

This week has and will continue to be quite complicated. I’ve had family get-togethers and meals literally every second or third day. So naturally, I’m fasting in between in an effort not to lose my progress(because when I go to those things I nearly always binge. I have no control unless I don’t eat at all). I think it’s working, but honestly, I’m too scared to step onto the scales to check. Last time I thought I was doing well and weighed myself it said that I had put on 3 kgs. It’s was only water weight mind you because it was off two days later, but still. Seeing those numbers on the scale caused me to breakdown and cry/scream/self-harm/scream/cry/mope around liked a family member had just died. I don’t need that again.

My hair is still falling out at a rapid rate, so I’ve started to take the pile of supplements that my Mum bought me a while ago and I went out and bought specific ones for hair health. I have no clue as to whether they’re working because it says that you have to wait a little over a month to notice. I wouldn’t mind if they kicked in a little early or just stopped my hair falling out. I’m honestly surprised that I’m not bald yet. I keep expecting to touch my head in the morning and feel a huge bald patch. I don’t even know why my hair is falling out. That happens when people are emaciated and I’m certainly not at that stage yet. My BMI is still in the ‘healthy’ range for god’s sake!  At least if I were thin I would have something good come out of it, but at this stage I’m still fat and all of the shitty side-effects of nutrition deficiency are kicking in.

I hate this. I just want to be skinny.


Dear Family,

I would kindly appreciate it if you could all stay downstairs so that I can purge all of the food that I just ate without you hearing me.

Yours sincerely, Me.