The secret door to my internal struggles. It's a dark battle and it's never going to be won. At least not by me.

Tag: alone


How do you help someone battle their demons and find the will to survive, when you’re being eaten alive by yours and your life is simply hanging by a thread?
I can’t tell her, I need to stay strong for her, but I’m crumbling.


Everything is g…

Everything is getting so damn difficult now. I can’t stick to doing anything and my internal strength and willpower is dwindling away. I’m just fat, weak, disturbed, alone and gross, and that’s all that I’ll ever be.

Exactly that

Exactly that

The painful and stressful story of my life.

Most of the tim…

Most of the time I’m perfectly happy with being single. There is nobody to worry about you, nobody to check up on you all of the time, nobody to have to check plans with and nobody to crowd your space.

Occasionally though, well practically all of the time now, I get lonely and it upsets me. Having nobody to remind me that they love me and they care, nobody to cuddle when it’s cold, nobody to watch geeky movies with, nobody to play video games with, nobody who actually wants to spend time with me and misses me when they can’t.

Relationships are tricky, but wow, do I miss being in one.

Feelings that I can’t explain

It’s weird. When I think about it, I haven’t had this many people care for and want to spend time with me in a long, long time. Somehow though, I’ve never felt more alone.

I hate that I’m so damn weak!

  • I hate my thighs
  • I hate my stomach
  • I hate my arms
  • I hate my face
  • I hate my flat chest
  • I hate how fat I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how sometimes I can’t say no
  • I hate the scars that are permanently on my legs and that though I hate them I continue to make them worse
  • I hate me
  • I hate that I can never win
  • I hate that I like food
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate that people care
  • I hate that I can’t be thin enough
  • I hate how hard it is getting to lose weight
  • I hate how lonely I feel all of the time
  • I hate how awkward I am
  • I hate that though I’m surrounded by people, I feel like nobody notices me
  • I hate how people always use me
  • I hate how I let people use me
  • I hate that I’m weak
  • I hate how I am so easy to forget
  • I hate how stupid I am
  • I hate how I let all of these things get to me
  • I hate how I push everyone away
  • I hate waking up every morning
  • I hate the feeling of wanting to sleep forever
  • I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it
  • I hate how I don’t want help
  • I hate how my younger siblings/cousins look up to me, when I’m a crumbling mess and would rather die than have any of them end up like me
  • I hate the way that I look
  • I hate the way that I feel
  • I hate that I’m weak

I can’t even begin…

to explain how shit I feel right now. It hasn’t even hit mother’s day yet and I’ve already become overwhelmed by the amount of food placed in front of me and how much I’ve eaten. My eyes sting from purging so much and I don’t have the energy to get it all out of me, my hands are dry and sting like a bitch, my lips are so chapped the feel like they’re about to fall off and even cutting myself isn’t making me feel better or in some form of power. I feel completely and utterly helpless and alone. All I want is someone to cuddle me without commenting that they can feel my bones or wanting to talk about everything. Just to cuddle me in silence until I fall asleep. That my friends, would be perfect.