by Perpetual Slumber

Remember the feeling of guilt, sickness and just fat that you felt sitting on the bathroom floor after you couldn’t purge the junk that you had just eaten. Remember feeling tired and fat after having a massive binge, knowing that it would take days to get back to the point that you were at before you ate. Remember how gross it feels to walk and feel your thighs rubbing against each other. Remember the fear when someone went to pick you up because you know that they couldn’t possibly lift you. Remember looking into the mirror and seeing a miserable fat girl staring back. Remember how strong, happy and proud you felt when you managed to say no to all of those bad things and eat almost nothing. Remember the feeling of seeing your ribs in the mirror. Remember the feeling of seeing the number shrink on the scales. Remember the feeling when people ask you if you’ve lost weight and say that you look really thin. Remember when you first noticed your hip bones sticking out. Remember the dizzy feeling that you had all of the time, the one that proved that you were making progress. Remember feeling cold even when everyone else said that it was warm. Remember feeling your bones when you ran your hands over your body. Remember the feeling of wearing shorts with your thighs hardly touching. Remember being the skinny friend. Remember being the girl who was in-control and didn’t let a stupid bowl of pasta or piece of bread tell her who was boss. Remember that lovely and permanent feeling of hunger, the feeling of fat leaving your body. Remember the feeling of looking at photos and actually being happy with the way that you look. Remember the feeling of sitting in McDonalds and hearing a girl behind you say that it’s always the skinny girls who come here and eat heaps, even though it was the first proper meal that you had eaten in weeks. Remember how it felt when people came up to you asking how you had lost so much weight. Remember how it felt being able to fit in to children’s clothes. Remember when people could lift you up as if you were a feather. Remember when boys looked at you and actually said wow. Now, remember what is carved into your huge jelly things. Every single time that you eat more than you should and can’t purge it, it is going to be made deeper. It says fat for a reason….